::Bring on the dancing horses...

It's very apparent that the only time i ever use this blog is when i'm in this "deep" pondering state, where I'm all like: "what does it all mean?". And i guess the reason for that is that i've kinda grown a discontentment for writing in my journal. Morally because the actual name of a "journal" more implies like the chroniclings a 12 year old suburban white girls first period and admiration for horses. But never the less, vastly fleeing are the days of my teen hood. So i (once again) am doing this over all summery in my head of my childhood, and my child self in retrospect. I was sitting and thinking of how sad its going to be entering into my 20s but then i paused it reflect on what about my teens i'm gonna miss the most... maybe my uncontrollably changing body, NO! Terrible acne, NO! sporadically raging hormones, NO! or maybe my inability to make anyone see me as an adult, wasn't mostly a problem for me personally but No, that shit was annoying. Despite common assumptions i in fact was not a total misfit. Although my main struggle was a common one, just being comfortable in my own skin, and being tough. i was always very independent and was never afraid to admit when i needed help. i was always very BOLD. And was rarely ever teased (Only by my asshole adopted uncle who was near to me in age.) i rarely had trouble from anybody (with the exception of a few school teachers in my younger years). In my teen hood i mostly remember the feeling of not being content. Being actively involved in church i found that urge to be very puzzling, and unsettling. I always feel that I'm searching for something deeper, something more... I've always wanted to meet other people that challenge me with ideas or with power or with passion. I wanted to live very fully. I wanted to live many lives and explore many things. I still have hope that i will and i in a sense have, And i think what that stems from is from my actual childhood (pre-pubirty). Having the child hood i did where the hospitals revolving door was basically my home. and having spent a huge chunk of my childhood in a hospital bed, i learned very early on in life what death was and out of that grew an early on affinity and severe respect for life. Although i was reckless in MANY ways, and i kinda did as i pleased, but it was rarely ever that i ever went without telling everyone how much they meant to me, i was always very honest and friendly, and i don't remember being intentionally mean in my younger childhood because again i didn't really know how long a had left to live and as a child it was my form of living life to the fullest. Now in my teen years i had gained this sense of accomplishment when i turn thirteen, because i had now beaten the odds of my life expectancy. So when i finally did turn thirteen i was very thankful but stuck in state of "now what?". Now here i am Seven odd years later, faced with that question in an even larger way. You're twenties has always been an era in you're life that for me as a child always seemed the most alluring. Cause for me that meant: Living in new york, with The eclectically furnished first apartment, All The coffee, all the casual sex. All The independence and freedom and the replacement of your family by your self selected close knit group of fabulous friends. I slowly started to catch the bluff of 90s american syndicated television. and by my mid teens i had adopted a somewhat of realistic expectation of how's it gonna be for me. But now faced with them, and having them be QUICKLY approaching, it's safe to say that: 'I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA.' i thought i'd be a broke up and coming writer/artist college student living in brownstone apartment in williamsburg brooklyn with my closest friends who occasionally travel and attend fabulous parties. instead i'm still live at home, broke, with a very particular lack of skills and complete lack of prior work experience. I have no idea what the future holds but thing always remains true (for me at least) there has to be something to be learned from all this...